batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
They have beer where we have blood.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
