if i can run in heels then i can drive
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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