So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
