the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This is the high leading the old right now
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
