i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
