I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
