I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
