I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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