We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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