: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
