Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
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Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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