tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
