'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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