She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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