I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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