just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
