Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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