I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
