The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
