hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
