listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
