now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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