3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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