Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
