I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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