Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
