Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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