He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
