Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
