she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
