Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
