I think my vagina is haunted
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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