No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Randomize
