I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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