Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
