You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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