Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
