Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
