You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
