At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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