Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
