He disabled his match.com account in front of me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
