She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
