Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i think i have herpe
just one?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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