i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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