Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
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Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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