What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
