Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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