This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
