the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
