I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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