cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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