I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
