I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
