I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize